Well, they say it’s better to have loved and lost than not to love at all. But what if it’s someone who is a confirmed astrological soulmate, isn’t that a game changer? How the fuck are you supposed to really be able to love anyone else when you’ve touched heaven, even only for a tangential moment in time that disappears as soon as the unfortunate circumstances which surround you both suddenly close in?
He left me with Porcupine Tree. A British man named Steve who likes singing about serial killers, the death of real music, and the selige Sehnsucht surrounding end of summer. Oh, my northern summers that I unwittingly shared with you for a significant portion of my young life. And that town I felt so inexplicably compelled toward for years, under the guise of a person I had known for so long. It all seems at once so terribly abstruse and yet lucid at the same time. Why did I cross your path in the way I did? And why, for all the blackness inside of me, is it good enough just knowing that you exist, when at once it is torture to know that eventually there will come a time when we will be nothing but abstract ideas in each other’s minds, no longer actual real beings who walk and talk and breathe and defecate and have to put in and take out contact lenses and read books and feel deeply about these words on pages, and sometimes even venture to create our own little things and then harbor and squirrel away little private notions that maybe, someday, we will make something bigger out of these ideas?
This, this is the fear of a blank planet you mentioned in passing. Let’s sleep together, relieve the pressure. Sure, it will all come back to us and blow up in our faces. But we will survive. Maybe, like participants of nuclear fallout, we will find our systems slowly degrading due to the more carcinogenic effects of love disrupted. Maybe it’s nothing enough cups of green tea with lemon can’t cure. Catechins help fight cancer. So do dark leafy greens like kale—but only if they are organic and not covered in Monsanto chemicals like Sevindust.
Does it bother anyone else that they spell it like that?